I have always processed my life events and feelings through my writing. I have always been extremely open about myself. Some call it oversharing, but I genuinely feel like it is my life’s purpose to help other people. If my writing or speaking can make a difference in someone’s life, I feel as though I have achieved what God has put me on earth to do.  So, once again, I’m going to open up about a very real, very personal situation that I am trying to deal with.

I want a baby. There! I have said it! There’s the big secret that’s not at all a secret if you spend any time with me at all. I am not, at all, unlike the millions of other women around the world who feel this same desire. I know that. I’m struggling with the fact that it probably, most likely, almost definitely will not happen for me. Again, this does not make me different from a world full of women in my same shoes.

Do you believe in signs? Some call them God Winks. Some call them coincidence. Some call them nothing at all and think it’s preposterous. Well, I do believe in signs, and every sign tells me to give up this hope and desire.

But I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I wish I could, but I cannot.

I have three beautiful children.  I adore them and would give my last breath and then some to make them happy, to keep them safe, and to ensure they always know how much they are loved. I love them more than I could ever express.  Please, believe that. This desire has nothing to do with them.

What does it have to do with? I don’t know. Biology, maybe? A dear friend was at my house about six or seven months ago, and I told her my desire. I said I felt selfish to feel this way, and she stopped me, mid-sentence, and told me that was ridiculous. It is in our DNA, in our human/animal nature to reproduce. So, now, that is my defense I use. Who knows though?

Why can’t I have a child? Let’s go through a list, shall we?

1. I’m not married. When I said this to my co-workers the other day, they looked at me as if I was insane. I have three children, after all! I adopted them, on my own, when I was not married. They couldn’t see the difference and laughed a bit. To me, it is completely different though. I’m not visiting a sperm bank, and I have not been in a relationship that led to that. So, for this, for me, marriage would be ideal.

2. My boyfriend is not interested in having more children. As we have been together for almost three years now, and the children and I are pretty fond of having him around, it is a very significant issue. Having three special needs children takes a significant amount of work—all children do, of course. However, the amount of specialists, appointments, meetings, day-to-day struggles we face are more challenging than those for typical children are. He feels like having a baby is more work than he/we can handle.

3. My biology. You would not believe the number of times I have been asked, when people learn that my children are adopted (usually with a lowered tone and a sympathetic facial expression), “Are you unable to have your own children?” The question always offends me. It implies that my children are consolation prizes to faulty reproductive organs! They are not! My reproductive organs are fully capable of every process necessary to create and nurture a new life.

That being said, I will be 35 in two months, and my sister reminds me of the various risk factors that increase if I were to become pregnant with each passing day.  Here I am bragging about how functional my uterus is, but the truth is that some problems have arisen over the last year and a half that have led to repeated discussions about the possibility of a hysterectomy sooner than I ever dreamed of being possible. I will spare you from the details, but they are not issues that would prevent me from becoming pregnant, and every time a doctor brings it up, I immediately  start bawling at the thought that, truly, pregnancy may not happen for me.

There are probably more than these three issues, but these are the biggies. Why don’t they convince me to give up this silly desire? I wish I knew. I wish they would. They don’t.

I’m a fairly intelligent person. I skipped second grade, after all! I was in the gifted and talented program. I graduated from TCU with two bachelor’s degrees. I taught for over ten years. I am working on having my second book published. These are not accomplishments made by someone without a brain. So, why is it so hard for me to realize just how blessed I am with what I have and quit crying over an empty womb?

My life is hectic, stressful, challenging, and unique. Logically, I should know that it would be insane to bring a new baby into this household.  The man who loves my children and me and who literally does everything for us does not want another baby. Logically, I should understand his many arguments and reasoning about it and agree with him. My doctors are suggesting a hysterectomy to relieve some truly awful problems I’ve had. Logically, I should welcome that relief. Logic, logic, logic! Ugh!

I asked if you believe in signs. You see, I’ve been wondering if my recent medical woes are truly a sign that I am not supposed to get pregnant.  Is the option, possibly, being removed for me to give me peace about this? I imagine some readers are rolling their eyes reading that! It is, however, a question I am asking myself.

I had another “here’s your sign!” moment the other day. At work, I have the fortune of being about eight feet from a restroom. It has its perks. Often, someone will come into my hall to use the restroom, and it’s already occupied. It is very common, therefore, to have someone plop down in my office to chat while he or she waits. This happened a few days ago, and in the conversation, my situation came up. My co-worker said, “Perhaps, this is happening for a reason. Perhaps you are, instead of touching that one life, going to touch thousands of lives. Perhaps, your writing and speaking will allow you to inspire and make a difference for so many more people. Perhaps you will foster and adopt other children. Perhaps sharing this struggle is one more way to reach other people who need you.”

Perhaps she is right. Perhaps her words were yet another sign that I need to let this go.  I’m not there yet, but I’m trying.  
 


Comments

09/13/2014 2:58am

Outstanding blog post, I have marked your site.

Reply
09/14/2014 6:28am

Advantageously, the article is really the best on this notable topic. I harmonize with your conclusions and will thirstily look forward to your approaching updates.

Reply

I desired to thanks for this excellent study!! I absolutely appreciated every one little small bit of it. I have you bookmarked your world wide web website to take a look at out the brand new things you post.

Reply
03/24/2015 1:47am

Fantastic Post. Often purchasing numerous sorts ideas, I simply bookmarked this webpage. Thanks very, I value you leading to this to be post available, other website is additionally carried out nicely. Have a superb great day…

Reply

All the best to you.

Reply

Its always a hard choice but if you can follow you heart then people with power cant do this.

Reply
11/04/2015 4:01pm

I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don’t know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.I’ll use this information for my essays.

Reply

Heart for women is the best advice.

Reply
03/16/2016 11:55am

Keep sharing. Howdy that was terrific to study.

Reply
03/16/2016 11:56am

Nice the great post.

Reply

Quite fascinating theme will take a note of your web site to confirm in case you compose much more about down the road.

Reply

Nice Publish!! thanks for this its awesome post

Reply

That post is quite informative.

Reply

Can't wait to read more of your posts.

Reply
06/29/2016 6:43am

Very interesting subject material will bookmark your site to make certain of if you write more about later on.

Reply
08/24/2016 3:49am

I do not even know how I ended up here, but I thought this post was great. <a href="http://www.luxus-immobilien.es">nike air max 90 baratas</a> I don't know who you are but certainly you're going to a famous blogger if you are not already ,<a href="http://www.bolsastejidotela.es">zapatillas nike air max baratas</a> Cheers!

Reply
02/09/2017 3:32am

The Aptoide platform is available in over 40+ languages. This has already reached a count of 97 million users in the year 2015 with an average count of 2.8 billion downloads

Reply



Leave a Reply